The Magical Mesh Mystery Tale
by NekyuToi
Summary: When video-game characters have had enough of the abuse suffered at the hands of a fic writer, they rebel. They are sick of being beaten, uglified and put in dangerous and sexy situations. Can F.F., Mario, Fallout, Zelda, L4D, etc revolt successfully?
1. Chapter 1

The Magical Mesh Mystery Tale

Chapter One: IN GAIA

"We're nearly near!" Cloud screamed, pointing to the centre of the Earth. It was just as the scientists back at Midgar had predicted, all those years ago…

Suspended above a circle of bright, yellow light, was a black diamond, humungous in size. The airship in which Cloud Strife and his compatriots rode was simply a speck compared to the enormity of the diamond, which revolved slowly, in a clock-wise direction.

"If Sephiroth stops the turning of this damn thing, what'll happen, Cloud?" Yuffie cried, staring in awe at the huge black monstrosity; the rumbling and the noise were mercifully softened by the airship's thick, lead exterior and asbestos lined hull.

"The world will simply stop turning, Yuffie." Cloud spoke, soflty. "All life will die."

"We won't let that happen." Barret interjected, raising his fist with piercing eyes. "Sephiroth is mine."

"God." Tifa laughed, "you're all acting like some weird losers today. Can't we just summon those Knights of the Round and kick his ass like last time? I'm missing my favourite goddamn TV show!"

Everyone turned away from the diamond to look at Tifa.

"That's not very team spirit, Tifa." Aeris whimpered, rocking back and forth with her hands in her lap.

"Oh, do shut up, lard ass!" Tifa spat, "I'm sick of your holier-than-thou bullshit!"

Everyone gasped in shock, except Cid, who had a secret smirk on his face which was hidden by his cigarette smoke.

"Look," she continued, "we've been waiting here for fucking _days, _and all we've spoken about is that bloody diamond. OK, so it's a _diamond. _It's perfectly natural for this to happen. Now, unlike you bozos, I have a life, so either Sephiroth turns up now or I start kicking ass!"

"Tifa, this is most—" Cloud began, only to be interrupted by evil laughter. It was Sephiroth!

"Look!" Yuffie cried, pointing near the diamond.

"Mwahaha, foolish mortals. You only thought you stopped me…" Sephiroth hissed, raising his Masamune sword toward the diamond. "I can never be stopped."

"Keep dreaming." Tifa interjected.

"This diamond will cease to be." Sephiroth continued, smiling erratically.

"Just cast Knights of the Round already, Cloud." Tifa nagged, punching Cloud in the arm.

"Ow! He hasn't stopped talking yet." He replied, rubbing his sore arm.

"Just do it, chicken shit!"

"Yeah, man!" Cid added, coughing up some phlegm. Dragging on his cigarette, he yanked the Knights of the Round material out of Cloud's buster sword and placed it on the end of his javelin.

"Hey!" Cloud protested, trying to grab a hold of Cid's long shaft. Cid was very dextrous, and no matter how flexible Cloud tried to be, Cid's shaft was just too erratic, and always escaped his grasp.

"Let me have it!" Cloud cried, tears forming in his eyes.

"You're such a baby, Cloud!" Tifa laughed, pushing him hard on his back; he fell over on his front, scraping his knees on the hard, unpolished wooden floor of the airship deck.

"Now look what you did!" Aeris moaned, as she knelt down to sooth a now-crying Cloud.

Whilst all this was happening, Sephiroth looked on in utter confusion. All he had done was travel a few thousand miles from the underworld to confront his greatest enemies and destroy the world, but now they were acting like children. God, how he loathed mankind. Thinking he would skip the End of the World Speech, he raised his sword above his head and then steadied himself ready to strike the diamond at the centre of the earth. This was it; the end of the world. With one quick dash, quicker than the speed of light, Sephiroth cut the diamond in twain, and in this future the world was to spin nevermore.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Mushroom Land

"Hey, Luigi!" Mario cried, "I found another one!"

Luigi ran quickly over to Mario, who was standing over a small batch of red mushroom that were growing out of the fertile ground. They were both standing in a large pretty grass field, where the sun shone brilliantly overhead. They both had to wear hats, for the heat of the day would render them sluggish and stupid were they to go bare.

"What kind are they?" Luigi asked, about to pick them.

"Wait!" Mario cried, pushing Luigi's hand away. "Remember the golden rule: 'Moe'. Mouth or eyes; if it has either of these, _don't _pick them, otherwise you'll get done for killing kids, just like that poor Mallow all those years ago."

"Oh." Luigi replied. "Oh! So that's what happened to him."

"Right, so let's take a closer look at these mushrooms." He beamed, peering down at them. They were about four inches high, and red with white spots on the cap. The stem was rather unremarkable, but it was fleshy, and soft to the touch.

"Any eyes, brother?" Luigi asked, hoping there wouldn't be.

"None at all. We can take these!" Mario declared, jumping with his fist in the air.

"Hurrah! Let's eat them now, can we? Can we? Please?" Luigi begged, getting on his knees and taking off his green, logoed cap.

"Hmmm…" Mario pondered. Luigi's eyes grew bigger. "Okay… but just for today."

"Yay!" Luigi cried, jumping around as Mario picked the mushrooms and divided them up.

Half an hour later and Luigi was on all fours beneath a tree, following an ant trail that was moving at a slow pace. He had followed them for at least ten minutes, and was most curious as to where they were going, and what they were carrying. They were carrying a white tube of some kind, which smelt like burnt leaves, and also of a completely unfamiliar scent which made Luigi feel lightheaded and dizzy when he put it in his mouth and ate it.

Burning with curiosity, Luigi wanted to know where on Earth these substances were coming from, as he had never seen them before, so he followed the _trail from where the ants had come, _using their footsteps as a guide. Only ten minutes later, and after following them through woods, rivers, swamps and mountains, he came to a little grove enclosed by pretty pink flowers, where he found something quite surprising.

In a heap within the grassy, shaded grove were some people, interwoven and unconscious. They wore clothes Luigi had certainly not seen before, and wore hair he hadn't yet seen either. They heights and proportions were quite different also, and Luigi assumed they must be of a foreign nature. The dark colours of their clothing and the aggressiveness of the tools that they carried immediately worried Luigi, and at once he turned tail and fled, just as one of them started to awaken.

With a cough and a wheeze, Cid started to stir as something crawled over his face. Opening his eyes slowly, he heard the soft breeze of the wind rustle the nearby leaves. Slightly confused, as Cid recalled being killed only a few moments ago, he pressed his fingers together slowly to see if he weren't dreaming. He certainly could feel his fingers, so he tried the next step, and began to sit up. The irritation of something crawling on his face was unbearable, so he placed his hand to his chin. On it, was a big ant! This so frightened Cid, that he let out a big yelp and fell back down on Yuffie, who consequently let out a scream and rolled away; she too, was covered in ants.

"Agh!" Yuffie screamed violently. "Ants!" Rolling around on the floor in a panic, Yuffie screamed like a maniac. The ants were so scared by this that they evacuated from her immediately; they didn't find anything interesting really anyway. Cid however, had just noticed that the ants were pinching his cigarettes, and in his anger began to take chase after the ants, only to lose them down an ant hole. Try as he would he couldn't fit his shoulders down the ant home's entrance.

"What in carnation!" Cid cried, banging his javelin angrily on the ground. Yuffie continued to roll around screaming, despite there being nothing on her anymore. The rest of the gang were awake now, the ants all fled.

"Where the hell—" Tife began, only to realise she couldn't even hear herself over Yuffie. "Shut up, bitch!" she screamed, kicking Yuffie in the ribs.

"Ow…!" Yuffie whimpered, rolling slower now.

"Ahem." Tifa began again. "Where the hell are we?"

"I don't know." Cid coughed, putting on his sunglasses. "But it's god awful bright wherever the fuck we are. Did I take some fucking acid or what?"

"Yo, man, I don't even know, what…" Barret slurred, lying down on his back, his eyes half closed. Whatever had befallen them had obviously taken its toll upon him.

"Whatever has happened to us, it looks like Barret and Yuffie need help." Aeris smiled, nodding her head and approaching Yuffie.

"Ugh!" Yuffie squealed as Aeris tried to help her up, inadvertently hurting her further, "Don't—fucking touch me—skanky bitch!" she managed to spit out, pushing Aeris' face away.

In indignation, Aeris readjusted her hair and then attempted to help Barret, who exhibited signs of delayed motor reactions, slurred speech and overall sluggishness.

"Come on, Barret." Aeris grimaced. "We gotta go now!" She placed her arms beneath his back and tried to lift him up, in vein of course; he was far too heavy for her too move. "Ugh—" Aeris cried. "Tifa—" she gasped, "help me!"

"No way, bitch, that shit's heavy."

Giving up, Aeris collapsed onto the soft grass and began to breath heavily.

"So, what do we do now?" Cloud sighed, peering off into the beautiful blue sky.

"I dunno." Cid muttered, lighting up one of his last cigarettes. "Damn ants."

"How about we go to that huge castle over there?" Tifa cried out in glee. "It's so pretty!"

Meanwhile, in the pretty castle..

"Your Highness!" Mario shouted from the other end of the Throne Room.

The Throne, which was a huge revolving stone Throne, inset with Diamonds and Rubies, spun around to face Mario.

"Mario! How dare you intrude ME TIME. Speak your business!" Princess Peach demanded. Her crooked teeth grit together slowly in a loud, nauseating crunch as she breathed in her raspy, vile breath, wrecked by years of tobacco abuse. As she listened to Mario, she ran her thin yellow fingers through her split, tangled, thin white hair, which had signs of yellowing from nicotine stains.

"You mean to say there are other women here?" She demanded, slamming her sceptre down on the cold, marble floor. It was made of the bones of her sister, Princess Daisy. Years ago she had banned and ordered the execution of all women in the kingdom, so she could be the most beautiful woman of them all.

"Yes, your Majesty." Mario replied, trying not to visibly tremble. If she so much as saw fear in his eyes, he knew she would tie him up and sexually torture him for weeks.

"Find them. Bring them here." She whispered, licking her stretched, wrinkled lips. "It's time for a little fun I've not had in a long time."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Left The World

"Ellis!" Rochelle cried, peering her flashlight behind the bookcase. "Where the hell did that kid go?"

"Hey, Ellis, stop dicking around." Nick said, flatly; he was getting tired of that kid always playing around when they needed to act seriously. They had ran into a dark, isolated house that was located nearby a swamp to evade some nearby zombies, when suddenly a wind picked up and slammed the front door shut, locking them inside. Ellis had run deeper into the dark house, only for the Rochelle, Nick and Coach to lose him.

"Ellis!" Coach called out. No reply. "Let's check upstairs, he might be playing a trick on us. The fool."

Nick, Coach and Rochelle creeped upstairs, playing Ellis' game. Turning their flashlights off, they held their laughter as they creeped further and further upstairs. Nobody jumped out at them or said "Boo!". When they reached the top of the stairs, they went from room to room, till they reached what seemed to be a bedroom. Strangely, although there was no power, a small TV situated in the corner of the room was switched on; it only displayed white noise however.

"Well thank the Lord." Rochelle cried, going over the TV and hugging it. She hadn't seen one in what felt like years! Just as she touched the TV, it began to glow brightly. Before she could back away, the bright light zapped her, and instantly she disappeared!

"What the hell!" Nick screamed, frozen to the spot. He could not have just seen that. He quickly looked back at the TV. There was nothing remarkable about it. Beneath it he could see a little, flat black box. "What's that?" Nick said, his voice thin and strained.

"It's a Nintendo 64." Coach croaked. "Looks like someone's been playing it, it ain't covered in dust. Well, I'll be." Coach continued, as he leaned in closer to it. "It's got Mario in it."

As he said these words, the TV started to glow again, and instantly they were both zapped, both to disappear…


End file.
